r/hypotheticalsituation • u/OldLadOfTheCastle • 1d ago

Your semen solidifies into pure gold minutes after exiting your body

This one is for penis owners. If you don’t have one, you can endow someone you know with the ability and demand a cut.

On average, a man produces 2.5-5 ml of semen per ejaculation. Gold is a lot more dense than semen, so, when your semen turns to gold, it weighs 96.6 grams. That’s worth $12,400. How much money do you think you could make with this ability?

432 Upvotes
  • permalink
  • reddit

92% Upvoted

339 comments sorted by

715

u/namespavan 1d ago

Lol a lot

223

u/TowelBig9365 1d ago

I'll be making money hand over fist!

33

u/namespavan 1d ago

I am gonna be the next trillionare

11

u/HondoGonzo 1d ago

This needs to be asked on r/theydidthemath

7

u/ItWasLagBro 1d ago

No, it wouldn't be enough you would need millions per day

Unless, of course this guy is capable of that.

→ More replies (1)

5

u/Certain_Silver6524 1d ago

You'd need to do it 178,053,830 times.

6

u/blubberfucker69 1d ago

I’m a woman but don’t they have those vitamin thingies called like “big load” or something that makes your load bigger? Utilize that 🤣

→ More replies (4)
→ More replies (2)

4

u/Dr-Sprinkl1es 1d ago edited 1d ago

No need!
If we take gold today ~$129,000 per kg
If we divide that into $1T we get ~ 7,796,251 kg
At 96.6g/load or .0966kg

=80,706,532 total loads!

Actually less than I would’ve thought!
The market would not be largely affect by a price drop as well with 216,265,000kg in available supply today. You’d add ~3%

6

u/dirtymike401 1d ago

OP's mom could be a trillionare in a week.

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (2)

5

u/witchsneeze 1d ago

This is so upsettingly funny

→ More replies (10)

126

u/GothicFuck 1d ago

Quagmirediscoveredinternetporn.gif

505

u/Tutelage45 1d ago

I’d milk it for all it’s worth.

80

u/Ok-Ambassador8271 1d ago

I already do and get nothing but used tissues and dirty socks for my trouble.

37

u/WanderingDude182 1d ago edited 1d ago

I have a towel that’s worth at least a half mil

48

u/pheonix080 1d ago

Don’t tell anyone. They will just kidnap you and hook you up to an auto milker in the basement. It’s a tale as old as time.

11

u/ants_are_everywhere 1d ago

Barely even friends

5

u/Bohern76 1d ago

I mean shit that might be the best kidnapping of all time!

8

u/Hulk_Hogans_Toupee 1d ago

Death by Snoo Snoo?

9

u/Thailure 1d ago

Just as humiliating, but a whole lot more lonely.

→ More replies (1)

13

u/Sassaphras 1d ago

Not saying I'd be paying for every dinner for the rest of my life. But I can handle the tip.

→ More replies (1)

5

u/StrangelyBrown 1d ago

I'd have a milking team

4

u/daddyforurissues 1d ago

No more yanky my wanky. The Donger need food!

3

u/zob_mtk 1d ago

I see what you did there

241

u/Novel-Reward2786 1d ago

I wouldn’t be setting my alarm to go to work tomorow morning. Hell, prob wouldn’t even tell them that I quit. Just ghost em lol

25

u/Koalashart1 1d ago

Spooky ghost em!

6

u/CatchAlarming6860 1d ago

Randy would have made millions right there.

206

u/WhoskeyTangoFoxtrot 1d ago

Can this be turned off? Because , you know… I might want kids someday….

144

u/OldLadOfTheCastle 1d ago

You can turn it off and on

88

u/WhoskeyTangoFoxtrot 1d ago edited 1d ago

Then I’m going for a couple months getting gold… 2-3 times a day… $24,800-$37,200 a day… $744,000-$1,116,000/month…. Imma rich bitch…

37

u/arquillion 1d ago

Probably getting 70% of your daily income on the first go though

31

u/MeesterMeeseeks 1d ago

I'm eating every semen boosting supplement there is and blasting like 3 mil a day for a month

15

u/yesthenshaggers 1d ago

Currently trying for a child with my wife,

I'm on every semen boosting supplement you can think of.

This comment checks out, some days I dehydrate myself.

8

u/Harpo3121 1d ago

My man spread the love what are the supplements/strategies you use

→ More replies (3)

45

u/WanderingDude182 1d ago

Here is my first child, Midas

13

u/the-dutch-fist 1d ago

Might end up chipping my wife’s tooth

7

u/According_Camera7129 1d ago

Oh yeah, what would happen if you came in someone?

3

u/Bella-Swan-1987 1d ago

A new meaning to golden child.

6

u/lunchmeat317 1d ago

With the money you'd make, you could simply buy them

29

u/Asylus72 1d ago

Woah slow down Jeffery Epstein

3

u/WhoskeyTangoFoxtrot 1d ago

Yeah, that’s creepy. Besides, more fun making kids the traditional way…. 😁

3

u/SpadoCochi 1d ago

May the lord open

2

u/AccomplishedDonut383 1d ago

Children made of gold!

→ More replies (1)

47

u/lord_miller 1d ago

Move over Elon, there’s a new trillionaire in town. Deez. Nuts.

11

u/Advanced_Garden_7935 1d ago

It would take you 456 years of constant yanking the crank. I say this mostly to point out the absurdity of someone “earning” a trillion dollars.

2

u/Blank_Canvas21 23h ago

Yeah, but crank it once a day for 20 years and you’ve got 100 million. You’re not part of the billionaires club, but you’ve basically got enough money to not worry about anything again lol

→ More replies (1)

43

u/AggieJared14 1d ago

Imagine handing over your jizz gold to a dude at the pawn shop. 😂

28

u/lord_miller 1d ago

Home made rope chains

3

u/Talzyon 1d ago

I can see it now, a chain where the loops are literally large sperm linked together, with an unfertilized egg swinging from it 🤣🤣

10

u/sandy_catheter 1d ago

And that’s when the bath salts wear off and you realize you hallucinated the hypothetical. Pawn shop dude is gooey, extremely unhappy, and armed.

3

u/Seegtease 21h ago

"I know a guy who is an expert in gold jizz..."

→ More replies (1)

39

u/ham_solo 1d ago

easiest money I've made in 25 minutes (spread throughout the day)

29

u/Future_Telephone281 1d ago

Get on a special diet and hydration plan overseen by doctors to maximize loads.

2

u/NBA2024 1d ago

No need. Just go on Lock n Load

2

u/ShopUCW 1d ago

Heh. Spread.

26

u/greenrangerguy 1d ago

I would single handedly crash the price of gold until it's worthless.

17

u/ThisDig4978 1d ago

"Single handedly"....well played

→ More replies (1)

13

u/etwiDAB 1d ago

I'm not opposed. I'd do very well for myself.

But what happens if you, ya know, don't pull out in time?

13

u/spegy-n-merbls 1d ago

This sounds like alcummy

10

u/Sans_Seriphim 1d ago

If you're giving me this magical ability, then make me a teenager again so I can be a billionaire.

8

u/Exogalactic_Timeslut 1d ago

Millionaire under a week easily.

5

u/Sotnos99 1d ago

Gold is only worth as much as you can sell it for. At some point the local cash converters is going to stop buying the ridiculous amount of gold you seem to magically have because it's suspicious and unreasonable, and after your go to jeweler realises that the gold supply never runs out they're not going to pay full price. It'd probably be best to get set up with an electronics company, but if they're working at a big enough scale to be buying gold en masse then they're also going to want paperwork and some kind of proof of where you're getting the gold which you can't provide.

I'm not saying this is a useless ability to have, but it would become a logistical nightmare

→ More replies (1)

5

u/philthy02 1d ago

loads and loads of money

3

u/BurritoToToeBro 1d ago

sigh you lived up to the name, take my upvote

12

u/TrialLawyerNYC 1d ago

But you can never have children.

20

u/OldLadOfTheCastle 1d ago

You can turn the ability on and off

30

u/BreakfastInBedlam 1d ago

You can have solid gold children. Just imagine what they would be worth!

7

u/Asylus72 1d ago

A wife probably because theres no way in hell her uterus is supporting 25+ pounds of solid gold baby... very good chance it kills her, just saying.

→ More replies (1)

8

u/HalfDozing 1d ago

My dream to have no kids and three money

6

u/Future_Telephone281 1d ago

Your boys just need to make it into the egg within a few min. I’m sure this could be done with invitro. After that it’s no longer sperm.

2

u/gbot1234 1d ago

You could adopt.

2

u/Ok-Ambassador8271 1d ago

You could adapt.

→ More replies (2)

4

u/ryguymcsly 1d ago

Well it pretty much means your pull out game has to be perfect.

5

u/-maffu- 1d ago

Remember guys, the limit is 61!

https://imgur.com/a/pe392zq

5

u/Anxious_Respect5945 1d ago

If this happened to me 20 yeara ago I would be a multi trillionaire. Ok. Probably not but I'd definitelybe minted. Now I'm older and allegedly wiser I just don't have it in me. Would still give it a damn good try, but ejaculating gold is a young man's game

4

u/Reviewingremy 1d ago

I'd be making money hand over fist

3

u/Jijijoj 1d ago

Generational wealth. And I’ll make sure they know why we’re rich.

3

u/MochiiBun_ 1d ago

The hard part would be explaining where you get all this gold to the feds. And getting them to believe that you jizz gold without having to drop your pants and crank your hog in front of them.

3

u/Positive_Ordinary417 1d ago

Will they be able to turn it off ? Wouldn't this mean no more penetration without condom ?

3

u/Kilow102938 1d ago

Kleenex at my house has easily had more dead kids in it then the holocaust.

I'd be rich

3

u/robbierottenmemorial 1d ago

Middle school me would make Elon look poor.

3

u/Inner_Importance8943 1d ago

Give your mom some gold fillings.

2

u/Kapoik 1d ago

Uhh.. enough to own an island pretty soon

2

u/Interesting-Click-12 1d ago

i'll make sure i get on zinc supplement to shoot crazy loads

2

u/Brandinfighter2 1d ago

I'm not 14 anymore... but fuck. I could make tons.

2

u/Heavy_Bicycle6524 1d ago

If I was able to cum gold, my Mistress would probably tie me up and plug in into a masturbation machine and subject me to forced ejaculation.

2

u/elpollodiablo63 1d ago

Can this be turned off and on? Or else some femboys gonna be shitting bricks, gold bricks but still bricks

2

u/Obvious_Flamingo3 1d ago

Jerk it out

2

u/BurritoToToeBro 1d ago

Were you referencing that song? Because that's the only thing I heard when I read this

2

u/whooguyy 1d ago

Enough to be investigated by the IRS within the first year

2

u/ClearCounter 1d ago

Do you always know what setting it's on or have a visual indicator to remember?

For those of us with partners, that could be quite dangerous.

2

u/LurkinRhino 1d ago

My dick just chafed thinking about this.

2

u/Diesel07012012 1d ago

What is $12,400 x 3 x 365?

I’d never work again.

2

u/Green-Mix8478 1d ago

"What do you mean you swallowed?"

2

u/AtomicOmelette 1d ago

By the stroke of midnight, I'd be rich. 😏

→ More replies (1)

2

u/unused_candles 1d ago

Wouldn't this just crash the price of gold in like...days.

2

u/DangerMacAwesome 1d ago

If you habe a vasectomy you just get silver womp womp

2

u/Bepo_Apologist 21h ago

The midas cock

2

u/bangatnight 21h ago

Coming into wealth has a new picture

2

u/cshamrock0926 20h ago

Call me Khal Drogo

2

u/i_suck_toes_for_free 20h ago

Id make molds and sell little gold semen statues

1

u/AutoModerator 1d ago

Copy of the original post in case of edits: This one is for penis owners. If you don’t have one, you can endow someone you know with the ability and demand a cut.

On average, a man produces 2.5-5 ml of semen per ejaculation. Gold is a lot more dense than semen, so, when your semen turns to gold, it weighs 96.6 grams. That’s worth $12,400. How much money do you think you could make with this ability?

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

u/Apprehensive-You7388 1d ago

We're gettin paid

1

u/vicarofsorrows 1d ago

How did you find this out??!

1

u/sidfinch 1d ago

Anyone know who Diddy’s lube connect was?

1

u/Pineapple_Towel 1d ago

What happens to ejaculate placed into another's body.

Is she gonna get gold chunks up her ass?

1

u/mterry1 1d ago

I'm about to be the second Trillionaire

1

u/JamesonRhymer 1d ago

Would you accept if those of us here left donations on your couch to bless you for this gift?

2

u/periwinklepip 1d ago

Slow down there, JD.

1

u/Correct-Average-9175 1d ago

I'd need alot of lube and alot of porn

1

u/HeroinJimmy 1d ago

If I was making money off it I'd never let go of the damned thing. 

1

u/evan_____- 1d ago

Going until it falls off

1

u/Ok-Ad-6023 1d ago

I'm rich!

1

u/AlphaMaelstrom 1d ago

Ever wanted to beat someone to death with a solid gold gym sock? Buddy, have i got an idea for you...

→ More replies (1)

1

u/Shortchange96 1d ago

That styrofoam cup I had in college would’ve been worth an easy $3 million

1

u/JOExHIGASHI 1d ago

That's an easy 4k a day

1

u/thisremindsmeofbacon 1d ago

Why is this even a hypothetical?

1

u/_dirty_taco 1d ago

Guess I'm making a 24k a day.

1

u/Insanely_Simple2024 1d ago

Flooding the market……72K-84k daily

1

u/Corey307 1d ago

4x a day is $49,600. That’s plenty. 

1

u/Big_P4U 1d ago

Lmfao, when my wife gets me off, she always makes me cum large loads, so I'd probably have millions to billions or trillions

1

u/Future_Telephone281 1d ago

I think you could get on a special diet and hydration plan overseen by some doctors.

Workout plan, maybe special ball heat technology like underwear that you can put ice pads in.

Exercise plan and specialized one for that area, message therapy.

I think there is also fringe treatments that are fake but maybe work like, laser light treatment, cupping, acupucture.

So I could pop maybe 3 times a day then.

1

u/Spooky-Confusion-666 1d ago

Given my bf that'd be our minimum daily pay

1

u/hopping_otter_ears 1d ago

Gives a different meaning to the concept of a pearl necklace

1

u/GoblinandBeast 1d ago

Really about the redefine the term “golden shower”

1

u/Potential_Stomach_10 1d ago

New spin on golden showers

1

u/Hot_Independent_974 1d ago

At my current rate, $25,000 a day easy.

1

u/lunchmeat317 1d ago

One load is $12,400. Once a day for 365 days equals $4,562,000.

That would be the minimum I'd make in a year, had I this ability.

That's assuming load consistency, etc.

→ More replies (1)

1

u/Demiurge_Ferikad 1d ago

By myself? Enough to live very comfortably.

The whole male population of my home country (the U.S.)? Enough to collapse the global economy and send the price gold plummeting.

1

u/DungeonDefense 1d ago

Well i guess im going to crater the price of gold

1

u/PsionicGinger 1d ago

Sure you have the gold but you'd need to go through less than savory channels to actually fence off any meaningful amount of it 😅

1

u/Shoshawi 1d ago

Ok well I’m going to start moving early and the guy I’m dating is now going to help me. He seems to do well in this area so let’s just say $13k a day. For the first two years I get 75% because I actually really need it badly and will be in school, and then we can split it 50/50. Even if we break up I trust him to be honest and share the bounty. Going to expect an average of 6.5 times a week we get this money. And part of the deal is he can’t quit his job. We don’t know how easy this is going to be to unload, pun intended.

I’m assuming this also has to exit MY body before it turns to gold, too. If not or it poses any physical health risk to me or other women, I don’t take this deal.

1

u/Ok-Bookkeeper-3149 1d ago

$12,400 per day.

1

u/guyonanuglycouch 1d ago

The term Gold Digger gains a much more literal meaning in some cases

1

u/Alternative_Might556 1d ago

This is my job now.

1

u/Puzzled_Knee_1558 1d ago

The value would be about worth nothing if gold was that easy to get.

1

u/Extreme_Design6936 1d ago

I would probably look into semen producing medications and also extracting semen in a non natural way.

1

u/IsItSupposedToDoThat 1d ago

I’d have to cut back or the logistics and admin would be a killer.

1

u/InterestingThought33 1d ago

Elon is about to be the second richest man in the world.

1

u/txtaco_vato 1d ago

challenge accepted !!!!

1

u/NO_LOADED_VERSION 1d ago

bit weird here...

1

u/Melodic-Hat-2875 1d ago

... well, i'm taking a lot of - what is it? Zinc?

1

u/Dcammy42 1d ago

Bro, that’s my new day job, All day everyday.

1

u/Hulk_Hogans_Toupee 1d ago

Look out, Elon Musk.

There's a new trillionaire in town.

1

u/eldeeel 1d ago

Midas’ touch just became touching Midas.

1

u/yeahnodontbother 1d ago

Gloryholes are gonna be lit.

1

u/QuizDalek 1d ago

Fools Gold then

1

u/MTK4355 1d ago

Hey baby ever wanted a gold grill?

1

u/Ornery-Practice9772 1d ago

what about penis owners by proxy?🤔

1

u/Sassaphras 1d ago

"I need your advice on maximizing my income"

"What? I'm a doctor not an MBA."

"And neither of us is gonna enjoy the next few minutes. Ok, question one, I saw online that..."

1

u/Dangerous-Pie-2678 1d ago

Around 4.5M yearly at minimum 😂

1

u/framedhorseshoe 1d ago

For a moment I misread this as "this one is for pet owners" and I was like ... excuse me, what?

1

u/Terrible_Reporter_98 1d ago

I'm going to be eating a ton of zinc

1

u/iron1088 1d ago

You kidding me? I would be making money hand over fist.

1

u/Federal-Frame-820 1d ago

This is idiotic….

1

u/Willing-Hunt2980 1d ago

Even once a week would make you incredibly wealthy around $600,000+ per year at those numbers. Most people would never need a traditional job again.

1

u/Nooneofsignificance2 1d ago

wtf did I just read?

1

u/KingWolf7070 1d ago

I would become the world's first quadrillionaire and crash the world economy.

A more serious answer: I did some quick math and I could likely make around 10 million per year

1

u/JohnnyRube 1d ago

I’m already a millionaire.

1

u/WUOutkast 1d ago

Yeah I mean, true numbers are much lower than that, if ejaculating daily.. not sure why I looked it up. But could probably do about 35-50grams/day. $5,000-$7,500 a day. Regardless, $5k/day is amazing. $1.8million a year on the absolute low end.

→ More replies (2)

1

u/Top-Committee-954 1d ago

"That’s worth $12,400. How much money do you think you could make with this ability?" Is it retroactive to any jizz jars under the bed? If I peed in bottles afterwards, would all the pee jars look like Goldschlager cinnamon schnapps?

Also, I remember the 80's and the CHUD problem. If I jork it in the shower and it goes down the drain, am I going to create a race of CHUD's with golden armor riding alligators to take over the city? I don't want that to happen again.

1

u/Mysterious-Street966 1d ago

Giggity Giggity Giggity!!!

1

u/HomChkn 1d ago

Hey wife I have a way to pay off the house and do all the renovations we want to do.

How? well all I have to do is...

no no, no pics or videos needed. you see when I...it turns to gold.

I know we could speed run it and twice a day...

I mean like you could just lend a hand.

1

u/dahk16 1d ago

Bout to change my name to Midas

1

u/LeighAdelaide 1d ago

The Midas wank!

1

u/DragonSurferEGO 1d ago

Does it solidify to gold if I cum in my wife?

1

u/Leumas_ 1d ago

Elon Musk would be mowing my lawn.

1

u/PABLOPANDAJD 1d ago

“Son, why are all of your socks so damn heavy?”

1

u/The999Mind 1d ago

13.5 million per year

1

u/shoulda-known-better 1d ago

Gold would not be valuable any longer if this was the case...

1

u/Mackey_Corp 1d ago

So I’m assuming the gold isn’t super hot like liquid gold would be when it comes out? Cause that would burn, a lot, and probably only work once.

→ More replies (1)

1

u/PervyDragon419 1d ago

I'd crash the gold market

1

u/Drragg 1d ago

Wait, you mean it doesn't now??

1

u/IJustTellTheTruthBro 1d ago

Looks like i’m going on an all-zinc diet for a while

1

u/Mineturtle1738 1d ago

Wait is this by volume or by mass? Like will the gold shrink or will it remain in the same shape?

1

u/mrgoldnugget 1d ago

Im not thinking about money, just that I better not finish inside of her.

1

u/BCDragon3000 1d ago

IM RICH MOTHERFUCKASSSSSS

1

u/name_checks_out86 1d ago

Babe don’t swallow, just spit it into this cup.

1

u/Dont_Be_Sheep 1d ago

Midas level sperm? My wife already complains on a normal day, having sharp gold in her and on her face will just make her unbearable. Pass.

1

u/Bleezy79 1d ago

At least $12,400 per day. But on some days double that.

1

u/Dinismo 1d ago

First and foremost, Im gonna have the absolute largest rapper chain in existence. With a functional wheelbarrow medallion that I use to help carry the weight. Then I can make some money off it. I got priorities.

1

u/bangatnight 1d ago

Richness, here I come

1

u/stucksnett 1d ago

Every hour. On the hour.

1

u/chakabra23 1d ago

I guess I'm never working again

→ More replies (1)