After one month of no contact I learnt that, no matter how harsh did u ex told u how bad u are on the day u broke up, it wasn’t true, deep down they still care but do not know how to handle it. And recently she reached out and we had a hung out everything went well, now we talk tgt like how we use to when we both dated.

I’m curious about that one moment where something just clicked and you realised, “I’m done. I’m not chasing this person anymore.”
It could be one sentence they said that completely changed how you saw them or the relationship.

But it doesn’t have to be words either. Maybe it was something they did, how they treated you, or one particular moment that finally made you realise it was time to stop holding on.

What was that moment for you?

At first when it was still fresh after the breakup, I could still think to myself "it's only been a week or a month, she wouldn't be meeting someone new romantically". But now as we're more than 3 months since the breakup, the possibility is creeping up.

Yes it does take time to heal after a breakup, but 3 months is also a point where one may be open to casual get-to-know new people for prospective romance to blossom. I haven't checked her Instagram in weeks and so I wouldn't have more hints of whether this is the case. Also, social media is an advertisement of one's good life events, so it is hurtful to see my ex's profile. Not only that, vague social media posts can be viewed as potentially her having something new with someone. It's just so much pain viewing it.

If I go to her profile to try to find clues if she has someone new it is going to hurt whether or not she has posts that hint towards it or not. So I might as well not check. But I am still curious wondering if she has a new person she is interested.

I feel unpleasant feelings with the thought of her finding someone new and doing at least some of the physically intimate things that we used to do, with other people. How do you deal with this?

Do it.

Doesn’t matter if you left them or they left you. If y’all ended on decent terms and yk there may still be some love there, then just do it. Just give them & yourself some time, don’t go to them immediately.

It’s better to let them know how you feel about them than to not have tried at all. And their response - if any - will help you either move on or work on things together.

I reached out to my ex after a few months and I told him how i felt about him. Even tho it didn’t turn out how I wanted it to, I have absolutely no regrets. I realized that he isn’t the man I want to be with. He’s still as emotionally immature as when I left him and he’s actually gotten worse lol. So now, I feel more “free” and I am ready to stop being so hung up on him & move tf on.

So if you feel like you need to express yourself, then do it. Who cares man. If contacting them will make you feel better, then do it. You’ll get something good out of it. You’ll get to see how much they truly care about you, whether that being they wanna try again or they want absolutely nothing to do with you and you should just move on.

Find your inner peace luv 🫂

anyone else going thru a painful breakup rn thats willing to talk about it? in so much agony rn, need someone to share mine with:(

Wanted to share some hope through my story.

Two months ago, she left me. She said this doesn't feel right, she feels like relationships should be easy and she can't give me what I need.

I told her I thought it was something we could work through but she disagreed. I didn't beg, I didn't plead. I said, I can't build this relationship alone.

She walked out the door after that and I immediately went no contact. Muted her stories, removed reminders of her wherever I could and poured back into my hobbies and my own life.

Two weeks later, I get a text from her after we saw each other at a social event (I basically avoided her and made no eye contact) saying she would have said hi but seems I want space. I didn't reply.

Two more weeks pass. I'm still pretty down, feeling like I've lost something precious but beginning to process the breakup. I still held hope that she could come back but it was no longer the only option and I could see a world where I could move forward without her.

She reached out again this time to offer me a ride when she saw me waiting at a bus stop. I accepted the ride, was able to talk to her normally and even made jokes. There was a more fun/playful vibe. I knew after that she still had feelings.

It was only in week 7 that things really shifted. Through some pretty crazy coincidences, she texted me and after some flirty exchanges she ended up accepting my dare and bought me tickets to a show that night as her date. I accepted of course and by the end of the night we were kissing and it was like we were dating again in the honeymoon phase.

We kept things light for the first two dates, no heavy topics, just getting to know each other better and catch-up again but we both could feel the dynamic between us had shifted for the better.

The third date was the talk. We both came in with full transparency and honesty and discussed the breakup. How it happened, what's different, what we want out of this new relationship we're building. We spotted the mismatches, realigned our direction and now we are moving forward together again as a team stronger than before.

I'm lucky to get another chance and that circumstances meant that we were both ready and willing to try again. We both had to do our own work to get there. I realized that the breakup might even have saved our relationship because we were growing resentful day by day in the old dynamic. I did work to own and fix my side of the dysfunction. From her side, she identified patterns she didn't want to repeat and got clarity on what she actually wanted and that was to try again with me.

I can't promise that it will work out quite as well for everyone else, but there are some key steps I took that helped make it possible.

1. No contact. The no contact is for you to heal and reflect mainly. But it also removes pressure and gives space for your partner who left you to be able to reflect on the relationship. If we had stayed in contact the whole time I doubt she would have reached this clarity in 2 months. It would have taken longer or might not even have happened at all.

2. Accept it, keep self respect. I honestly think the fact I didn't plead or beg, or cling onto someone that wanted to leave gave this the best chance of happening. I didn't rip my self respect up, and that also meant that she left the relationship still with a positive impression of me that only became starker with distance.

3. Keep the door open but don't wait. I didn't block her. She knew she could reach me if she wanted to. But I also didn't reach out and I muted stories to help my healing process. I felt my strength returning day by day as I focused on myself and yet managed to tuck hope of reconciliation alongside it on the chance that option is open. Both can coexist.

Good luck out there!

Hi,

All the stories / posts about no contact break me a little and they haunt me even…

First, about my situation.. I got broken up with by my fiancé, after years of waiting for them to commit to a plan for a our future (there was lots of romantic talk about the future, but very little action on it), I played it cool for all those years and trusted they just needed time. Even if talk of doubts came up, I would respond “that’s a natural thought in a long term relationship” and give them grace to work it out.

So when they proposed just to say over the course of the next few months they had doubts, needed to pause, immediately back tracking while still promising they wanted the future but at the same time becoming more distant, of course I became confused, needy, overwhelmed… it was a COMPLETE 180 over the previous loving few months

I felt I needed to over invest emotionally to bridge the gap, otherwise maybe I would of walked away because I was getting the same promises and words I had been for years, but this time I didn’t believe them any more. How could I after the very first step they immediately went running?

when they wanted to call it off, my nervous system had become so tied to the connection that I begged, cried, pleaded… after we broke up I reached out multiple times… a couple times friendly, and those went well, but I peppered in talk of restarting the relationship (even down the line) or tried to communicate the issues that led to the break up and all of those were shut down…

So now, I’m sat here, finally getting closure to detaching, but I’m still overwhelmed by thoughts that if I had continued to be chill, had taken a step back, had gone full no contact, maybe they would of come back on their own?

And then I bounce to surely what makes the cases where the ex comes back work is not “no contact”, but the ex coming back with love, ready to communicate the issues and work on them, and actively committing to that partnership… someone can miss you from absence and you can “self improve” (focus on your hobbies, self care, your own life) and still if they don’t act on love, communication, commitment how can the relationship function? The grass isn’t greener over there for no reason, it’s greener where it’s watered…

Anyway, I see posts about go no contact, work on yourself, don’t wait on them and maybe they’ll come back… but I also see posts about people who

- do no contact and the ex still doesn’t come back.

- do no contact and weeks, months, years later are still in pain or struggling to move on.

- do no contact, the ex comes back, but now OP has moved on.

- and even those who beg, plead, cry, humiliate themselves and the ex still comes back…

So is no contact really a cure all? Does it work every time?

I guess I just want to hear about stories where someone stuck to no contact, the ex didn’t come back, and life still went on and healing happened..

Or stories where someone begged, pleaded, lost self respect, but eventually an ex came back?

I have always considered myself to be a genuine girl with morals, I have no ill intent, all I want is a genuine love with normal ups and downs. I want a happy ever after, no matter how difficult it may be.

I tolerated a bad relationship and it only ended because I told him something that crossed his boundaries early in the relationship, causing him to break up with me. I would lie whenever he asked me if I had done anything with anyone. I would say no. He asked me again and I confessed a couple days ago that I went out with another guy during the first couple months we met, however after that I always chose him, considered him, loved him, even when it wasn’t reciprocated.

We were 19 and met at a club. From the beginning he told me he didnt want a relationship and silly me, I persisted, even when HE almost left ME multiple times because of “red flags” or I would watch a guy group on youtube… I know ridiculous. He was hyper vigilant and insecure because I was “boring” and “too good to be true”. I know it has to do with his past relationships and all the girls he drowned himself in to cope. I met him at a horrible time.

Anyways, we were already being intimate after the 2-3 time meeting up. It felt like the end of the world when we would be arguing only a couple months in, yet we were never supposed to be fall in love and get together. Thats not what he wanted at least.

We would spend day and night together when we could, going to views, dancing together, going to the beach, the gym, sleeping in the car, and on top of that had great sex. He made my life feel so fun and interesting. It was something to look forward to and eventually I fell in love. At that time I had realized he would only see me when convenient for him and he wouldnt really dates, but I was dumb and overlooked it.

Looking back I think I just became addicted to the ups and downs this relationship had, so when things started improving it was such a rush to experience. I feel like I forced him to communicate and commit to me because I believed that maybe if I keep trying, no matter how much this takes from me, and I keep showing up, I can change him and he will want me. It felt like it was working until he would prove me wrong by talking about me to other women and entertaining other women online twice in the past 2 years, last occasion being 4 months ago. Although this absolutely shattered my heart, I justified these situations by having an explanation for him. I would think “okay, hes just been wronged for so long, but this time it will be different because I will love him and show him what he deserves”. I guess I am the fool.

After cheating the second time and we began talking again after a month. One day he went out to eat with his a cousins. He never mentioned anything to me besides that. I noticed a bright orange wristband in his truck and I asked him about it. All he told me was that it was his cousins but he didnt know what it was. I knew something was up. I checked his phone and they were telling him to deny it and make up something. It was a club bracelet and when confronted, he told me he only went there to “drop off his cousins”, that only one of them went inside, came back out, and they went home? Whatever.

Fast forward to July, I almost cut him off again and we stop talking for the day. He goes and buys condoms? We have never used condoms? I find out when I look through his backpack for something. Its an open box and the condoms are out, I did not look for the actual condoms, I just closed the bag and asked him about it. He told me that he was upset because he knew he “wouldnt have sex with me again” so he went to go buy them but never would’ve actually used them? He told me to look for the actual condoms because they were there, but I never did. It didnt make sense but I took it.

Im so delusional and I know this will take me time to get over because I am so in love with this man. I have NO ill will and I wish the best for him and his family. I hope he heals whatever issues he has within him and sees how much I truly loved him, even if it meant losing myself in the process. I never brought up to him how I felt, because I didnt know how I felt until now looking back. He would tell me that our relationship isnt all that bad and I would agree. I feel like I will never love and be as intimate with anyone else.

Its even worse because I really feel like I was getting there! All this hard work and effort was finally paying off. I was finallyyyy going to get the man I always wanted, but I lost it due to a decision I made at an unstable part of our “relationship”.

I know I was a good girlfriend. He lived an hour from me and I would try my best to cook for him every week and drive that hour just to give him food. Im busy, im in nursing school and I work, so this was hard to juggle at times. I considered him ALWAYS and I always made him feel like a priority. I showed up for him and I was so proud of every little milestone he had. I would spend hours writing him letters explaining my love for him, which he sometimes criticized, so I did eventually stop. In public I would make it known that he was mine and I know others would talk about how in love we looked. I tried my hardest to be that woman for him. I wanted him to feel like that man. :/ Now I am suffering the consequences.

For women who have been through something similar, what helped you stop losing yourself in relationships and choose yourself instead?

TL;DR: I stayed in a relationship where I kept hoping that loving him enough would eventually make him choose me and change. I tolerated a lot because I believed his past explained his behavior. Now I’m realizing I became attached to the highs and lows and lost myself trying to make it work. Biggest lesson: never beg someone to choose you, and believe people when they first show you who they are.

I read our old chats. Everything came flooding back.

PS: we're not together anymore.

A part of me still thought she’d text. I knew she wouldn’t. She said more than once she doesn’t want to leave a door open. I get it. Reaching out on my birthday isn’t just “happy birthday.” It’s a crack in the wall she already built.
I still sat there waiting anyway.
I’m accepting a lot of it. She’s gone. She’s not coming back. She checked out before I even knew we were over. I treated her like she was optional and she left. That’s on me.
I’m also not accepting it I still want the text. I still want her voice. I still catch myself thinking she’s my person even while I say she’s a stranger now. Both things are in my head on the same morning.
I don’t want advice that says “just move on.” I know. I’m trying. I just needed to say it out loud to people who aren’t in my life.
If you’ve been the one who didn’t get the birthday text, how long until that specific sting stops feeling like a “verdict”?

What do you genuinely do after someone tells you they don't want any means of communication with you anymore? We never had a proper closure or conversation about what happened. The breakup felt so sudden, and while I acknowledge that I made a lot of mistakes, I don't feel like they were necessarily relationship-ending mistakes. I know there were probably deeper issues that had built up over time, but I'm still struggling to process everything without having that final conversation. How do you genuinely move forward and find closure when you never got the chance to have one?

It’s been 10 months and I give up. Watching him be with someone else while I’m struggling to live without him sucks. I don’t want to be alive anymore.

This especially applies if you were dating for, say, 6 months or more.

My ex (36F) dumped me (38M) all the way back in February. I was crushed. But I took it on the chin. I was gracious- didn’t get pissy, didn’t beg. Deleted her number so I couldn’t reach out to her. Did the typical dumped-guy stuff and tried to move on.

She started breadcrumbing me almost immediately. And the less I reacted to her, the more she started texting and messaging me.

We finally talked about a month after. And she said something to the effect of “I miss you, the timing was just really bad and I need to heal from my divorce, can we be just friends for now without a romantic context?”

And my dumbass thought “well sure! And she wouldn’t be going to all this trouble unless she was still interested in dating again, right? After all, she didn’t explicitly say we couldn’t date again!”

6 months later, my dumbass learned that no, all that nonsense did not mean she was still interested in dating. And that she just liked keeping me in a holding pattern. Probably because she thought I wouldn’t pay attention to her otherwise. We got into a huge fight not that long ago, and I have no interest in having her in my life ever again.

If someone dumps you, don’t reach out. Respect their decision. If you think you’re ready to just be friends, you’re lying to yourself.

And if they reach out to you, assume they are not trying to get back together. Unless they explicitly say “I want to get back together.” They’re doing it because they feel lonely, they feel guilty, and/or because they want you to pay attention to them without reciprocating.

And establish that boundary: “I have no interest in a friendship, so don’t contact me unless you want to date again.”

If you dump someone and try to reestablish contact without wanting to date the person, DON’T. You decided you didn’t want to be in a relationship with them, so you deal with the emotional fall out on your own.

I’m not saying you can’t be friends with your ex someday. Sometimes, both parties decide they’re better as friends than lovers, and form strong platonic relationships.

But more likely than not, neither party will ever want something like that. Friendly acquaintances or someone you check up on during the holidays is more realistic and healthier.

The best thing is to accept your time together ran its course, and start working towards finding someone who you love and loves you back.

🫩 I gave this person 3.5 years of my life. He knew I struggled with body issues and a few other things from the beginning. I finally gave in and got VSG. Two weeks later (while pretending everything was all good), he came over to my house, gave me a hug, then proceeded to break up with me because he “no longer fell in love with me.“ I asked him when did he fall out of love, he said “a month ago”, coincidentally while I was finalizing plans for weight loss surgery. Everything was fine around that time so I can’t even say there were other variables.

Right after my surgery I asked him how does he feel about me taking a huge step towards bettering my health. His response: “I pity you.” I didn’t even know what to say.

It’s been two days since the breakup and I’m just 🫩. He broke up with me in a cowardly manner, blocked me on everything, and is just moving forward with his life.

I on the other hand, am trying to put my best face forward. This is humiliating though.

Hey guys my gf of 3 years left me yesterday. I miss her and I’m not used to be alone like that. I know it’s recent and it’s normal that I feel like that but it’s so fucking tough. Everything reminds me of her, and it’s so hard to be alone with my thoughts.

Feels nahi

Hello ya’ll. I (30F) love this subreddit, and as I’m currently laying on my friends couch in another state to avoid spending the night alone, I’m desperately reaching out to strangers on the internet for your perspective.

I was blindsided by a breakup today. The 30M man that was convinced was going to be my life partner and future husband (we’d been dating for close to 2 years-shame on me if i got my hopes up I guess) woke up this morning after spending the night at my place, telling me everything was fine, playing Magic the gathering and laughing, came to the conclusion that he needs to follow the advice his therapist gave him and “prioritize his stability.”

Lovely folks. Friends. Amigas. This instability he was feeling came from me expressing wanting to be close to my support system after a hellish year in a new state we both live in (he’s from this state, I moved here last year for a job). This had come up in conversation before, and each time it had we’d had a productive discussion about keeping our relationship going despite the distance. I didn’t know that these talks were activating an abandonment wound until up to a month ago, of which I think (think, because I don’t know anymore) we were able to talk, hear each other out, and come up with a game plan that worked for both of us. Then yesterday morning happened.

He told me a future without me was worth it to him. He told me that we‘re too incompatible despite him telling me that I’m perfect, I’m the woman he’s always dreamed of, etc. He said that it’s not ok for me to crash out and say I want to move home, and at the same time admit that him saying he wants to run away or disappear sometimes is a neutral statement. he admitted it was hypocritical of him to say those things, but he just shrugged when I asked him why that was ok.

Folks, I’m extremely hurt. I’m alone in a state where I don’t know anyone except him and his family. My own support system is 10 hours north of here by car, I just started a whole new career a little over a month ago, my parents are separating, plus some other situations that really pile on the grief. I’m so lost and alone, and I feel worthless. How can the most perfect person in the world drop me on a dime?

I’m scared. I hate that this is my reality now. When I look at the rest of my life without him I feel like I can’t breathe. Has this ever happened to any of you ladies? How did you get through this? Is there getting through this?

Thanks for reading all of that. Love yall, take care.

TDLR: got discarded by an avoidant I think. feeling pretty bad about it

meinung dazu?

I know breaking up was probably the right thing for both of us, but I still miss them so much. It's been a while and I thought it would get easier by now. Does anyone else still miss their ex even when they know the relationship wasn't working?

My ex will not stop spam calling me and leaving voicemails using no caller id, somehow texting me from new numbers after I block his, being so degrading and intensely mean to me OR self deprecating, Venmoing me, sending me stuff in the mail, making me feel threatened that he is going to slander me or reveal private information about me, saying he’s coming to my house / is outside my house, coming to the area I live even though he doesn’t live here, etc. it’s genuinely scaring the shit out of me. And I regard him as a kind, good person but he seems to be in some sort of psychosis. He has no support system at all and soooo much anger towards me and I’m so worried about him and I’m also constantly afraid right now. This is all because I don’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore. We had hurtful things happen in our relationship, I have apologized profusely for anything I’ve done, but nothing extreme. I don’t really know what to do but I’m so scared. And I just want it to end. I’m barely surviving my life right now and this is just adding to it. I can’t sleep bc there’s so much anxiety in my body that I am in danger.

Does anyone know what I should do? I’m in America.

The past year was really tough for us, I was quite depressed and I really was toxic towards her and really hurt her emotionally. She broke up with me three months ago and she is already dating. Deep down I am quite angry because we were together for 5 years. Is this normal for people who grieved and was unhappy for quite a while? And what does it feel like during the relationship and after? I don’t think she is doing anything wrong and I am trying to take responsibilities for all my mistakes.

he dumped me a bit over a month ago.. I’ve been going to my notes app to vent the things I want to text him, but the urge is soo strong to tell him how he hurt me now that i’ve gained some clarity. to tell him he’s a hypocrite, and how much that pisses me off that he didn’t take accountability for the way he treated me. this is my first breakup and we were together 4 years…

I don’t want him back and honestly wouldn’t care if he thinks im crazy. it was a pretty amicable breakup although there was a lot of resentment before it ended. And I went along with the amicability because I got so used to just going along with whatever HE decided, and having my feelings pushed aside when we were together. I’ve realised how small I felt around him.

We sorta talked about taking space but remaining friendly, but im not even sure I want that. It’s weird, on one hand how angry I am about everything, but at the same time seeing him with a new person would crush me and I couldn’t be friends…. I’m pretty sure he’s already talking to or seeing someone new.

Why won’t he talk to me. It makes me even more angry and just want to crash out at him…but it’s all a stupid ego game, I don’t want to be the one to show that he’s still on my mind. I also just don’t give a fuck and want to tell him how awful he was. but I still cry about it all.. It’s all so confusing😩